What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I waited trembling.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

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One cannot live in the past .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She wouldn,t have been !

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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

But ive been too sick for many years..

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

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I said to her

So whats the point in blame.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

When she asked me how she looked .

Cum at omnis doloremque totam.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

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What did i know ?

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Was to survive, this bastard.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Why did i forgive my father ?

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Would this be the day?

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

As i do to all so called friends.?

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

This is soul school!.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

All the time i was locked up.

I was very sick at this time too.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

My family never makes their pension either.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I was seconnd youngest,

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Ive learnt so much.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

(And it was in our own minds.)

She loved him until the end.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

But it wasn’t much.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He knew the spot.

I think the readers, may guess!

We all went to grammer schools

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I don,t even have a pension.

I have no regrets .

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I write beautiful poetry .

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Im still living with it.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I will be 64.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

He resisted the act ,that day.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Comes on , in middle age.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I never cut or harmed myself..

And i lived it daily.

Who then, do I blame.?

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I was scared of men, in general

My life is so biszare .

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Especially a lifetime of it.

I couldn’t, believe it.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I was 9 years of age.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

She married twice! .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Put me off passion for life!!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

We were not on the streets..

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

She found it foreign!.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

But, we were locked up after school.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

It was going to be , some day.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I could never make a relationship work though!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

So, i spoilt her more .

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

She was in good health!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Where the ultimate outsiders.